Soda Citizen: Ben Walker

Sean Rayford: If Cap'n Crunch and Lucky the Leprechaun have a battle to the death, who wins?

Ben Walker: That is a tough one, because Cap'n Crunch has not just obvious regular strength, but I would assume, old-man strength. I don't think he is gonna go down easy but Lucky has got all the magic. I guess it really just boils down to..."

Ben Walker - Lake Murray 2017 - Photo by Sean Rayford

Sean: Cap'n Crunch has a sword, too.

Ben: You've got the Harry Potter of cereal on one hand and the Clint East Eastwood of cereal, on the other. That's probably not accurate. Not Clint Eastwood... Because he is not like a dashingly handsome man either. Usually, the old men that are really strong are either really ugly, or really handsome, but he is like a little kid with a beard and a sword. I'm going to have to go with Lucky on this one.

Sean: In the same scenario, suppose there is a gladiator tournament held with these other characters: Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, Smacks Dig'em Frog, Sonny the Cocoa Puffs dude, and Trix the Rabbit - who comes out on top?

Ben: My gut says Tony the Tiger. He has put in work. He has always been about health. He is strong and in shape. He hasn't gotten older. Although he has sacrificed a lot of quality - I'm going to have to go with Michael Jordan from Wheaties. You know what, Shaq was on a Wheaties box, so let's give it to Shaq.

Sean: What are your favorite Weezer b-sides?

Ben: ‘Jaime’ and ‘You Gave Your Love to Me Softly.’ ‘Jaime’ is such a fun one.

Sean: If you were kidnapped by a secret government agency that was experimenting with two serums: one that turned you into part alien, or one that turned you into some type of earth mutant... and this is the backstory of your professional wrestling character... are you gonna be part alien or an earth mutant? What is your name, outfit and special move?

Ben: The alien thing is infinitely less appealing to me. A lot of reasons: earth mutant at least stems from the things I'm used to. For example, I don't think that if you become an earth mutant, you all of of sudden have different genitalia... or you can't eat cheeseburgers anymore. Obviously, you can change, but even Swamp Thing was a human, but also a plant as well, so I'm gonna go with earth mutant because that is not straying too far from the norm... If you wanna create a back story, we can from there...

Sean: Ok... Cow.

Ben: So, now I'm part cow and I'm a wrestler. There is a great opportunity to throw in a lot of dad jokes... I think my finishing move would be "udderly devastating." Something along those lines. I like the cheesy side of wrestling more than I like the serious side so to be the Milk Man, would be fun. Although, bulls don't produce milk. Maybe I'm part female cow and part male human? The government is weird. If that were the case, the finishing move would definitely involve spraying milk all over people. It just sucks for everybody.

Sean: Broccoli or Cauliflower?

Ben: Broccoli

Sean: What was your favorite prime time television series as a kid?

Ben: As an older kid, hands down, it was King of the Hill. But as a younger kid, I loved watching reruns of the Batman TV series. Adam West. It was just so silly and fake and I loved it. King of the Hill was more real than that Batman series.

Sean: Tell me about something that you used to eat a lot of, but no longer do.

Ben: When I was a middle school kid, Little Debbies were a staple in my diet. And well into adulthood. I never went in to a gas station without buying one. And I didn't have a favorite one, I liked all of them. Now, every once in a while, I'll catch myself looking at them, and going, "I sure would love that,' but every time I talk myself into it, I regret it. I guess I'm just not used that that amount of sugar anymore. Also, they are probably a lot worse now than when we were kids. I think a lot of the ingredients have been substitute for cheaper ingredients that have an adverse affect on how our bodies feel.

Sean: If you had a cheat code for one mundane task in life, what would that task be?

Ben: I have some off the record answers, but it would be cooking. Not because I don't like cooking, but because I'm not good at it. I don't mind cooking and I love grilling but I'm just not good at cooking, so if my cheat code would allow me to be good at it. And the implementation of the cheat code? It's definitely time for me to put on my cooking costume. The power is in the costume, 100 percent. It also helps keep me from getting burned, which I do a lot when I cook, or getting grease stains on my favorite clothes.

Sean: If it became your responsibility to come up with a new name for peanut butter, what will you present to the rest of society?

Ben: I love peanut butter. Sometimes your budget doesn't allow for you to eat well, healthy, or even consistently, especially when traveling, and here is a cheat code: peanut butter and bananas are great. Peanut butter is cheap, and bananas are cheap. You cannot take a banana and dip it in peanut butter. It doesn't work. You also cannot unwrap a whole banana, peel it, cover it in peanut butter, and hold it and eat it. You can, but you're gonna end up with a peanut butter banana on the ground with dirt on it. But if you have a
tortilla and you cover it in peanut butter and wrap it around a banana, it's an edible peanut butter banana holder. You should try this...You know, brown spread is just not a good name. It's really not. This is probably the hardest question you've asked me. It needs to remain appetizing, peanut butter sounds appetizing. I should name this after Jeanette's grandad (Jeanette is Ben's wife). Up until his death, everyday for lunch, except on Tuesday, when he added a piece of bologna to it, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You don't want to call it BobSpread. That's not good, but you could call it Bobella. It would be an OK name, similar to Nuetella. You definitely want to go with his first name, because his last name was Chaffey.

Interview edited for clarity and brevity

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